News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
