i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
