Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
