I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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