Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
