I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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