I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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