I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
