so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
