we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
