Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
