You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
