i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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