I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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