Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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