i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
