I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
