"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
