Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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