woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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