after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
