if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
