Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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