I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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