At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
