Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
