I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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