:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
How external is "for external use only"?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
