i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
How does one acquire holy water?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
