Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
