Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
