96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
