i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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