my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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