It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize