i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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