I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
