you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
