Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
