Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He kissed a someone with a penis
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
