R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
