i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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