i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
