You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It's Friday. Sex?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
not ubering you a puppy
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
