i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
