Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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