your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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