is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
