i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
