My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i think my cat just said my name.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
