I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
