my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
