I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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