evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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