this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
