i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
