I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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