We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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