I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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