Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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