I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
