On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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