Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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