I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
