I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
