bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
